It takes courage to become more evolved beings, guilt giving is for the irrational!

I grew up in a family where the women had PhD’s in giving guilt. My grandmother could be heard sighing for miles. Sometimes it would go on for hours. It was her way of showing how unhappy she was over not getting  acknowledgment over something she did for the family that went unappreciated. Every time I asked her why she was sighing she would reply “ I suffer”. It took me years to realize that she was incapable of making herself heard  in a way that was not dysfunctional. My mother exhibited a different behavior. She would simply not talk until you went into severe begging, trying to get her to tell you what offense you might have committed. I not only inherited some of these behaviors but came up with some of my own. I was exceptional at pouting. When someone displeased me, I would sit in a chair with a look of complete despair. This technique takes patience because someone has to notice that you’re unhappy. Then they have to embark on a major inquisition to get you to reveal your angst. If they are preoccupied, they are not going to want to put in the effort, which leaves you without an enabler. If they finally do engage, it’s often with the same phrase. “What’s wrong, are you okay” Then comes your classic response, “If you loved me you’d know”. Over the years I learned that trying to impose guilt on family, friends or co-workers is merely another way to try to manipulate people. We develop these behaviors by imitating our family of origin and they are fairly unconscious. Becoming conscience can take years and some people simply never “get it”. It’s unfortunate that becoming proficient in communication skills is not a top priority for us as a society. We spend so much time not “saying what we mean” and “not meaning what we say.” The energy we spend on this kind of irrational dialogue is exhausting. It also creates a lot of unhappiness for all concerned. Why not spend a little time becoming more aware of what you’re saying and how it’s interpreted by those around you. Call a trusted friend and ask her/him if you are a perpetual guilt giver. It takes courage to become more evolved beings, but the end result can make all your relationships healthier, happier and more fruitful

About lorettalaroche

An international stress management and humor consultant whose wit, and irreverent humor, has, for over 30 years raised the humor potential in all of us. She is on the Mass General advisory council for anxiety and depression and was recently awarded the National Humor Treasure Award. Loretta writes a weekly newspaper column called, ‘Get a Life’.

This entry was posted in Enough Already, Get a Life, Giving of Guilt, Internal Happiness, Loretta LaRoche, Words to Live by and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to It takes courage to become more evolved beings, guilt giving is for the irrational!

  1. kathy b says:

    I learned all these behaviors and I am so so grateful to learn new healthy skills. and pass them on to my kids and grandkids. i might feel awkward and scared practicing and disappointed when I fail to do as well as i would like but I have so much more respect for myself as well as feeling so positive and empowered!

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